(photocred: Matt Engelking)
If any of you know me at all, you know how much I love to write. My journal is a place where I write out my prayers each morning over a cup of coffee and listen as the Lord speaks through the pages. I get that “giddy excited” joy when I complete a journal and get to start a new one with fresh new pages. To me a brand new journal is the begining of new stories, new adventures, new HOPES, and new dreams. But before my trip to Uganda, writing had become difficult and time seemed to escape. I was met with distraction after distraction. I had this “plan” of everything I wanted to do and all I wanted to read so I could be fully equipped to lead my team. I was relying upon the “doing” rather that the “being.” I wanted to fill a journal full of prayers so they could cover us while on our trip, read a couple of books on missions, and fast a couple of times before we left, but life got too busy and the pages in my journal remained empty and unfulfilled. And the more I dwelled on the fact that I wasn’t “doing” enough the more I felt unworthy and incapable of accomplishing what I knew the Lord had called me to. I began to define myself by my lack of preparation therefore speaking words of disqualification over my life. I would think, “I haven’t prayed enough or fasted enough. I feel so unworthy to even see the things my heart is so desperately believing for.” In Uganda, I wanted to see the impossible but I struggled with God even answering my prayers because I wasn’t prepared enough in my prayer and fasting life. And then the Lord spoke to me and I believe this can minister to some of you who define yourself by the “doing” for Jesus rather than the “being.” In the “being” you find yourself at the feet of Jesus time and time again because you know that your unworthiness is made completely worthy there. You know that your tears are turned to joy and your insecurity turned to strength. There you find a love that is greater and a voice that is louder than the thoughts you are believing about yourself. It’s at His feet that you can just BE. And so He spoke…
Your lack of preparation does not determine your blessing. The books you didn’t read and the prayers you didn’t pray do not disqualify you from the miracles God wants to perform within you.
When I wrote this in my journal right before we left on our trip, I knew the Lord was saying, “YOU ARE ENOUGH.” Wow. I AM ENOUGH. I am worthy even when I don’t feel worthy. I am enough when I feel I haven’t done my part or met the expectations in my head. The depth of my heart longed to see Jesus work in a way I never had before but anxiety got the best of me and fear led me to believe that because of my lack of preparation and prayer life God wouldn’t use me. But that was SO far from true. My lack didn’t come from the doing but from a faulty belief system. The beauty is God looks beyond your imperfections (what you see as lack in your life) and sees your heart. He will take your lack and use it for HIS greatest glory. The depth of His love for you is SO great there is NOTHING He can’t do in and through you. Anxiety will find peace and tears will turn to JOY in the midst of knowing and believing who God truly is. Before I left on a plane, I had to fight through some prayers. I had to write down what my spirit was speaking but my flesh didn’t want to believe; I had to believe I AM ENOUGH.
Over the next couple of weeks I’m going to tell the stories that changed my life forever while we were in Uganda. Each story is a testimony of God’s incredible GRACE and how in the midst of my greatest inadequacy God brought himself the greatest glory.